Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships
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List Price: $14.95
Our Price: $10.17
Your Save: $ 4.78 ( 32% )
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Manufacturer: Vintage
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Average Customer Rating:  
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Binding: Paperback
Dewey Decimal Number: 306.89
EAN: 9780679730026
ISBN: 0679730028
Label: Vintage
Manufacturer: Vintage
Number Of Items: 1
Number Of Pages: 272
Publication Date: 1990-09-05
Publisher: Vintage
Release Date: 1990-09-05
Studio: Vintage
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Editorial Reviews:
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Now in trade paperback, the ground-breaking and carefully documented book that shows how couples come apart.
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Spotlight customer reviews:
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Customer Rating:
Summary: A "must read"
Comment: I read this book a number of years after my marriage ended. At the time of the breakup I was left devastated and it took a long time to get up, dust myself off and enjoy life again. However once I read this book the whole process suddenly made sense and I could identify each step of the breakup process and understand where each of us had been at. I understood that the fault was not with me for the breakup - as I had been made to believe. I recall some mutual friends had said to my husband after the breakup that they couldn't understand why he had left as I had not changed during the marriage. He had replied "thats exactly the problem".
I can see the same pattern with my present partner and his ex wife who will not let go. She was the initiator, leaving and returning continually over a period of 3 years or so. She put him through hell, and he turned himself inside out trying to make the marriage work. He even took out a large loan to carry out extensions on the house so that she could have her own private space. That still didn't make her happy. Finally he'd had enough, and he told her not to return. Several months later the door was closed for good on her when we got together. Once she had lost that control over the process, she turned septic, and has done everything in her power to poison his relationships, particularly with me and his son.
Customer Rating: 
Summary: Read this one as a starting point for thoughtfulness about the patterns in relationships
Comment: I honestly think the author might just as well have called this one "Unfriending" or "unconnecting" or something similar and reached even a wider audience, although the focus is primarily on couples and marriages.
However, if your primary goal is knowing how this one could help your marriage, here's my take:
Instead of focusing on THE reason or reasons that marriages and relationships fall apart, the author notes that the process of separation - and, inevitably, divorce or estrangement - occurs even before the warning signs may be apparent. That infidelity that seems to be the "cause" of the divorce may be just one more step in a long progression of steps that started long before the actual affair. I think this makes sense.
It made sense to me that things may seem normal in a marriage and yet something is a bit worse than the day before, already shifting off-kilter. That is the type of change this book discusses, the veering away from being a couple and the distance that grows wider, day by day. It is the kind of thing that can be easy to dismiss until the inevitable happens - and by then it could be too late for therapy or counseling to help.
Although I'd call this more of a "philosophical study" than hard core science (even though many couples were interviewed, etc), I found it an engaging and intriguing book. This one would be worth reading before marriage and could help turn many precarious marriages back on track.
One of the most interesting parts of the book dealt with how unhappy partners may "revise" marital or relationship history, turning formerly happy memories into negatives in order to justify a separation.
Just to be clear, this review is not being written by a divorced person or someone in an unhappy marriage. I have no bones to pick, no axes to grind, etc. I simply found the book to be worth reading.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Straight forward book to help understand an unwanted break-up
Comment: This book is an excellent resource to help put the mechanics of a break-up in perscpective. It is like group therapy. You understand better the problems with trying to convince an unwilling lover to stay in the relationship. The book helps you have an open dialogue with the person who does not really want to talk to you anymore. The book provides in essense the other's persons part of the dialogue. It does not sugar coat what is happening, but allows you to appreciate where you truly are in the timeline of the relationship.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Best book for understanding "How did this happen?"
Comment:
Yes, this book is depressing, but only because it offers a clear look into the mind of the partner who has already made the decision to leave the relationship. I found it extremely helpful in coming to understand the "invisible" thought process going on in my soon-to-be ex-husband's mind. I was reeling with confusion and disbelief when my husband of 21 years left me. He said he had come to a decision to "move on". He never gave me the benefit of knowing his reasons or opening a discussion of his concerns in the last few years of our marriage. He claimed to have tried to tell me, but I didn't comprehend the extent of his dissatisfaction. As anyone can attest, most long term marriages have their ups and downs. Especially when you are involved with raising children, you may believe some loss of intimacy is just a temporary phase of the child rearing years. Reading this book made me realize why he wouldn't consider marital counseling to help restore our marriage. I realized that he was past that point, and was already in the final stages of the uncoupling process. For me, what appeared to be a "sudden" decision on his part to leave was in fact being planned for quite awhile without my knowledge.
As other reviewers have pointed out, this book will not help you or give you hope in saving a relationship. But for understanding the mind of person who doesn't care anymore about making the relationship work, it is invaluable. The truth of the matter is, while it takes two to make a marriage, it only takes one to end it. This book explains that concept and why you can't do anything about it. Understanding this helps with accepting the inescapable truth: your relationship is over.
Customer Rating:
Summary: Paperback medicine
Comment: When I divorced my first husband, I lost everything. Self-esteem, possessions, family, concentration--and then I sat down and read this book, in a couple of hours, and found that finally I could concentrate on something again. I read it with tears pouring down my face and started to accept the very harsh, destructive, debilitating, demoralizing, soul-destroying truth. No one is going to tell you it's easy, but at least you can use this book to get the closest thing to an answer that you can get to the bigger question of, "Why?" Then you can move on to the anger stage. Try a DVD copy of "Audition." Kiri kiri kiri kiri!
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